The Art of Communication: Why It Matters in Family Law Cases

The art of good communication and the application of effective communication skills are pretty much key to most aspects of our lives.  Nowhere and at no time is this more essential than at times of conflict and parental disharmony.

A large aspect of my work involves wading through the minefield of parental miscommunication following abusive and accusational messages and emails and trying to keep the client on an even keel whilst difficult and potentially life changing decisions are being made about their and the children’s future. The strategy I therefore ask clients t ofollow, is how and when to best communicate with their ex at times of their legal dispute and beyond.  In some cases, no communication is better than some communication but generally, people are receptive to finding ways to work towards a goal of constructive communication.  Those cases where I would tend to advise on no communication is where a party alleges abuse or suffers from major mental health problems which affect their day-to-day functioning.  Otherwise, there are rules of engagement which have application both during and subsequent to the separation process. As soon as you recognise that conflict is not simply disagreement but a behaviour pattern which elicits defensive and emotional responses and results in both parents adopting entrenched positions. At some point, the conflict will escalate and result in one parent feeling they have regained control and the upper hand only to be met with further resistance or, worse still a refusal to communicate at all.

One of the key rules is to ensure that parental communications remain brief, informative, friendly and firm (BIFF).  If you are sending emails and text messages late at night which run into several paragraphs, this is a definite no-no.  If you feel you must respond in such terms, I suggest that you wait until the morning and review your message before pressing Send.

The second key area to avoid is becoming involved in the drama triangle. This will involve each parent moving from the role of victim to rescuer to attacker and can become a dangerous and deeply damaging barrier to child focused discussions and stable mental health, if maintained. It often involves being accused of something which is hotly contentious, responding by making counter allegations which causes further upset and then one of trying to repair the damage which is met by resistance or further allegations.   It is therefore important to remember that you need to respond and not react.

Having said the above, times of separation can and usually involve heightened emotions, feelings of low self-esteem and the need to rebuild trust which can be stalled for as long as lawyers remain in control of the case. The anecdote to these paradigm shifts in your emotional functioning is to first acknowledge their cause and recognise how your own role may have influenced how you feel. Secondly, you need to learn and learn quickly how to manage your emotions effectively and calmly.  There are a number of practical tools which can assist almost straightaway;

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1.   Consider using a parenting app such as Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents. Not only do they keep a record of what has been discussed and agreed, they enable you to keep schedules and share updates.

2.   Start your communications with “I” and not “You”. The use of the word, “you” usually puts the receiving parent on the backfoot and therefore runs the risk of making that person feel under attack.

3.   Remember that something may be important but not urgent, so ask yourself the question, “Does this need to be sorted today?”

4.   Remain neutral and courteous. Rudeness never wins and is usually self-defeating. So, acknowledge the other person’s view. It may be wholly unreasonable but ask yourself how would you wish to be responded to if you thought you were right?

5.   Treat co-parenting like a job. Be to the point, start your messages off with “Hi” and use the word, “we”. Look for solutions, you may not agree but ask if there is a middle line which you could both accept.

6.   Choose when to send your messages. Last thing at night is a no, no. Sleep on it and start off your day by deciding whether the message you prepared the previous night is likely to achieve a reasonable response.

7.   Stay calm and look after yourself. Try journaling, ensure you engage in physical activity, practise deep breathing, socialise and engage in counselling if needed. This will help reduce anxiety levels and provide you with some much needed positivity and balance in your life.

8.   Don’t be frightened to let the other parent know how you feel about their proposals or changing arrangements at the last minute. It will often mess up your schedule or cause you anxiety and the children may also feel similarly. However, keep your communication to the point. Long sand rambling messages are best left for your counsellor’s or lawyer’s eyes only.

9.   If poor communication remains an issue, seek professional help such as these services of a mediator or family counsellor. If you are in the 5% to 10% of cases that end up in court after parents separate, remember that this will mainly be due to the entrenched positions that one or both of you have adopted and that the current situation is intolerable.

10. Before you escalate your responses, remember there is no logical need to express this in a text message, e mail or phone call. This is when you need the benefit of legal advice the most. There is little point in escalating matters (other than to make you feel that you are regaining control) if the other parent perceives it as a predictable response. It will only likely achieve the exact opposite of the outcome you desired and result in further damage to the process of effective and constructive communication.

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